12.30.2008
12.29.2008
The Miracle Acai Berry!
Many people have jumped on the acai band wagon (a large number due to Oprah speaking the word). So many acai produts have come out and among the most popular today is Mona Vie. The testimonials claim all sorts of things from weight loss to lowering your blood pressure to making you taller.
This however, is my absolute favorite claim made by a Mona Vie user:
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...apparently I was wrong
12.28.2008
This is the only reason I would ever have kids...
Because I would make them do things like this to entertain me!
Just when I thought women were making headway...
This bitch has to go and ruin it for the rest of us. Uh, hello? Faking a kidnapping of your own child so you can get your deadbeat ex-boyfriend back?
What are you smoking, crystal meth?
And a 5 month old with a mohawk and fake tattoos? Who do you think you are? Angelina Jolie?
This is why people should pass a test before they reproduce.
What are you smoking, crystal meth?
And a 5 month old with a mohawk and fake tattoos? Who do you think you are? Angelina Jolie?
This is why people should pass a test before they reproduce.
12.27.2008
Give Me... Movie Reviews!
Keeping in line with a traditional Jewish Christmas I took my time waking up in the morning, ate a bagel for breakfast and decided to catch a movie followed by a sushi dinner. I was really excited to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on opening day, and now I regret being so curious myself.
"The movie flows gracefully along, unrushed but ever forward, like time itself. And New Orleans' lovely old neighborhoods and romantic ambiance form the ideal locale for a gently fantastical tale."
To say "the movie flowed gracefully along" is a nice (very nice) way of saying it was sooooo freakin' long! Unbelievable! 2 hours and 40 minutes? Brad Pitt, do you know what I could be doing with that valuable time I'll never get back? I could ride the 1 train from 242nd St. to South Ferry and back and then once more. I would also be more entertained by the people getting on and off the train than you and God-awful Cate Blanchett. She bored me to death.
And yes New Orleans was beautiful and serene but I have vowed to never visit there unless I want to sleep my days away.
You know what Brad Pitt? As adorable you may be to look at, you suck. Even your beauty can't save you from the lack of enthusiasm and talent obviously missing from this film. I'm actually supposed to believe that you have any other emotion in this movie besides indifference? Really?!
Why oh why Mr. Pitt have you been unable to put out a good movie since, um, I'll go with Legends of the Fall?
What's that? Your too busy being a dad to that horde of children flying around the world with your anorexic wife never settling in one spot long enough for your children to be enrolled in a full year of school? That must be it.
Now you Miss. Blanchett. I've nothing more to say to you than................... oh sorry, I fell asleep thinking about your performance.
I'll never understand how this movie was nominated for any award. Ugh.
Brad Pitt you owe me $30. This is cover the cost of my ticket for this movie and the train wreck you made before this, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
Tsk tsk Brad. Tsk tsk.
"The movie flows gracefully along, unrushed but ever forward, like time itself. And New Orleans' lovely old neighborhoods and romantic ambiance form the ideal locale for a gently fantastical tale."
To say "the movie flowed gracefully along" is a nice (very nice) way of saying it was sooooo freakin' long! Unbelievable! 2 hours and 40 minutes? Brad Pitt, do you know what I could be doing with that valuable time I'll never get back? I could ride the 1 train from 242nd St. to South Ferry and back and then once more. I would also be more entertained by the people getting on and off the train than you and God-awful Cate Blanchett. She bored me to death.
And yes New Orleans was beautiful and serene but I have vowed to never visit there unless I want to sleep my days away.
You know what Brad Pitt? As adorable you may be to look at, you suck. Even your beauty can't save you from the lack of enthusiasm and talent obviously missing from this film. I'm actually supposed to believe that you have any other emotion in this movie besides indifference? Really?!
Why oh why Mr. Pitt have you been unable to put out a good movie since, um, I'll go with Legends of the Fall?
What's that? Your too busy being a dad to that horde of children flying around the world with your anorexic wife never settling in one spot long enough for your children to be enrolled in a full year of school? That must be it.
Now you Miss. Blanchett. I've nothing more to say to you than................... oh sorry, I fell asleep thinking about your performance.
I'll never understand how this movie was nominated for any award. Ugh.
Brad Pitt you owe me $30. This is cover the cost of my ticket for this movie and the train wreck you made before this, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.
Tsk tsk Brad. Tsk tsk.
12.26.2008
Jewish on Christmas
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There's no other day during the year to remind the Jewish community that they are indeed Jewish, and as a result, a minority in this country. America shuts down, and even on the Upper West Side the restaurant pickins' ain't what they normally are.Since only my father's side of the family is of chosen blood, I celebrated the birth of Christ with a nice sushi dinner on the Upper West Side where I was sure to be surrounded by other half-bloods and pure breeds.
The UWS did not disappoint. The Jews flowed freely in and out of the sushi restaurant as if they hadn't' a care in the world (except apparently what table they should be seated at, as proved by 3 consecutive parties who could not decide on a table in an unusually empty restaurant). Does it suck to be Jewish on Christmas?
No.
I'd like to offer a little prayer for all the half Jews and regular Jews alike:
Dear Baby Jesus,
Thank you for being born Jewish
Too bad not many people take that into consideration when celebrating your birth.
מודה אני לפניך מלך חי וקיים שהחזרת בי נשמתי בחמלה, רבה אמונתך.
(don't forget to read it right to left!)
(don't forget to read it right to left!)
Ok, so it's not really a prayer, but whatever, you get the point.
la'haim!
12.23.2008
Oh you smell so good... like meat!
Burger King is obviously feeling the economic crunch. Maybe they're not selling enough whoppers or maybe that giant creepy king costume is getting to people, but the fast food king is promoting a new product. It's a fragrance called Flame and it is oh-so-appetizing.
It smells like meat.
Well, it captures the scent of the love of the Whopper.
I bet that scent is meat.
I'm not really sure what kind of man would wear this flame broiled disaster, but I sure as hell don't want to meat him (I couldn't help myself).
Who wakes up and says "I know what will move me to the top of the corporate ladder! Meat cologne!"
What loser wants to smell like a typical overweight middle-of-the-country American man?
What jackass is spending $3.99 on Flame instead of the actual Whopper?
Burger King you are pathetic, but not as pathetic as those you've convinced to buy your little food fragrance.
ewww.
It smells like meat.
Well, it captures the scent of the love of the Whopper.
I bet that scent is meat.
I'm not really sure what kind of man would wear this flame broiled disaster, but I sure as hell don't want to meat him (I couldn't help myself).
Who wakes up and says "I know what will move me to the top of the corporate ladder! Meat cologne!"
What loser wants to smell like a typical overweight middle-of-the-country American man?
What jackass is spending $3.99 on Flame instead of the actual Whopper?
Burger King you are pathetic, but not as pathetic as those you've convinced to buy your little food fragrance.
ewww.
12.17.2008
12.14.2008
The Wonderful Accomplishments of Tara Reid
“No. I’ve done it. Trust me. I’ve done enough for a lifetime of everything. I’ve had a great time. I partied. I had fun. I ate and drank whatever. I dated a million guys, but I’m so happy with where I’m at right now. I don’t need to do anything anymore.”
-Tara Reid
Just in case you feel that you do need to do more but you're not sure of what, I've complied a list:
-Tara Reid
Just in case you feel that you do need to do more but you're not sure of what, I've complied a list:
1. Put out a good movie
2. Keep the tata's covered
3. Get a new plastic surgeon
4. Sue your old plastic surgeon
5. Put on some underwear
6. Put on a one piece bathing suit
7. STOP BEING FAMOUS!
You're welcome.
12.13.2008
Give Me..... Movie Reviews!
I am so over movie reviews because they are so freakin' misleading!
In an attempt to rectify the movie review situation that has plagued the industry I have decided that I will be so kind as to let all you good people the truth about the movies I spend my $9.50 on (yes I said $9.50, NYC is expensive, do you actually think I will pay $12.50 when all I have to do is press "senior ticket" at the self serve kiosk? Wise up people c'mon!)
Australia
This movie has gotten some pretty terrible reviews like "With three storylines, a ludicrous performance by Kidman, and Baz's self-indulgence getting the best of him, AUSTRALIA is one of this year's biggest blunders." That my dear movie lovers, is completely inaccurate!
I had my doubts going into this movie and it won me over almost immediately. The scenery is beautiful, great direction by Baz Luhrmann, and Nicole Kidman is probably the most entertaining I've ever seen her. The complaints about this movie are that it's over the top and grandiose and 'phony' even, but this film seems like a return to the days when Hollywood made beautiful movies that moved people. Maybe Hollywood should take some direction from Luhrmann and start making movies that are poignant and beautifully executed instead of people getting blown up and f**ked 6 ways from Sunday. I'm sick of wasting my hard earned cash on films that promote sex and violence and drugs, or films that try so hard mimic real life disaster and trauma.
This film is on my top 10 favorites, right up there with Pretty Woman (what girl doesn't love it?) Waitress, and Bella. The little boy who plays Nullah is a breath of fresh air in an industry where child actors make me want to stick a pencil in my eye (I'm talking to you Dakota Fanning and Miley Cyrus). Not ever having acted in his life and found straight from an Aborigine tribe in Australia, Brandon Walters can act with the best of 'em, and he proves it in this film. He will steal a little piece of your heart and make your soul smile.
Get with the program filmmakers, I'm not wasting my money on Terminator Salvation or Punisher: War Zone. I know my dad is totally disagreeing with me right now saying "hey, those are good movies" but really dad hasn't that all been done before?
It's time Hollywood, to bring back movie making that take us away from our lives entertaining the senses and delighting the soul.
Four Christmases
Ahhhh, Vince Vaughn thank you for not letting me down and totally delivering, carrying this film. And thank you Reese Witherspoon for being completely sweet and utterly predictable. What a strange dichotomy these two had, but it works. Vaughn delivers his usual improv-y talks-too-much kind of quick wit humor and Reese is, well I never really dislike her choice in scripts. She knows what works for her and she sticks to it. Good for you Reese.
Ok seriously, I was so not wanting to see this movie but I got up early and caught a matinee. I'm glad I did (because I liked the movie but still not enough to spend close to $13 for it). It was amusing and funny, semi-lighthearted, semi-depressing if you went to see it by yourself (which I did), but all in all it was pretty good and hopeful, like Australia.
Ok, I know it seems I'm reading a little too deeply into a Vince Vaughn flick with using words like depressing and hopeful, but, well it is! Especially the Christmas Play part. Vince, you are so entertaining.
In an attempt to rectify the movie review situation that has plagued the industry I have decided that I will be so kind as to let all you good people the truth about the movies I spend my $9.50 on (yes I said $9.50, NYC is expensive, do you actually think I will pay $12.50 when all I have to do is press "senior ticket" at the self serve kiosk? Wise up people c'mon!)
Australia
This movie has gotten some pretty terrible reviews like "With three storylines, a ludicrous performance by Kidman, and Baz's self-indulgence getting the best of him, AUSTRALIA is one of this year's biggest blunders." That my dear movie lovers, is completely inaccurate!
I had my doubts going into this movie and it won me over almost immediately. The scenery is beautiful, great direction by Baz Luhrmann, and Nicole Kidman is probably the most entertaining I've ever seen her. The complaints about this movie are that it's over the top and grandiose and 'phony' even, but this film seems like a return to the days when Hollywood made beautiful movies that moved people. Maybe Hollywood should take some direction from Luhrmann and start making movies that are poignant and beautifully executed instead of people getting blown up and f**ked 6 ways from Sunday. I'm sick of wasting my hard earned cash on films that promote sex and violence and drugs, or films that try so hard mimic real life disaster and trauma.
This film is on my top 10 favorites, right up there with Pretty Woman (what girl doesn't love it?) Waitress, and Bella. The little boy who plays Nullah is a breath of fresh air in an industry where child actors make me want to stick a pencil in my eye (I'm talking to you Dakota Fanning and Miley Cyrus). Not ever having acted in his life and found straight from an Aborigine tribe in Australia, Brandon Walters can act with the best of 'em, and he proves it in this film. He will steal a little piece of your heart and make your soul smile.
Get with the program filmmakers, I'm not wasting my money on Terminator Salvation or Punisher: War Zone. I know my dad is totally disagreeing with me right now saying "hey, those are good movies" but really dad hasn't that all been done before?
It's time Hollywood, to bring back movie making that take us away from our lives entertaining the senses and delighting the soul.
Four Christmases
Ahhhh, Vince Vaughn thank you for not letting me down and totally delivering, carrying this film. And thank you Reese Witherspoon for being completely sweet and utterly predictable. What a strange dichotomy these two had, but it works. Vaughn delivers his usual improv-y talks-too-much kind of quick wit humor and Reese is, well I never really dislike her choice in scripts. She knows what works for her and she sticks to it. Good for you Reese.
Ok seriously, I was so not wanting to see this movie but I got up early and caught a matinee. I'm glad I did (because I liked the movie but still not enough to spend close to $13 for it). It was amusing and funny, semi-lighthearted, semi-depressing if you went to see it by yourself (which I did), but all in all it was pretty good and hopeful, like Australia.
Ok, I know it seems I'm reading a little too deeply into a Vince Vaughn flick with using words like depressing and hopeful, but, well it is! Especially the Christmas Play part. Vince, you are so entertaining.
12.12.2008
A stroll down memory lane...
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
All the reindeer humping
Laughing all the way
HA HA HA
In a one horse open sleigh
All the reindeer humping
Laughing all the way
HA HA HA
A few years ago, my friend Debbie's mom put out these precious innocent reindeer to help ring in the glorious Christmas season. So I did what was most appropriate. I made them do it.
12.10.2008
12.08.2008
Ahh, to feel 14 again...
So over the weekend, I finished reading Twilight. Yes, Twilight, the 500 page book that has taken the hormonal teenage girl world be storm. I haven't felt this giddy since N'SYNC came out with their holiday CD (sadly, I'm very serious). I couldn't put the book down, something about, um, falling in love with a fictional 90-year-old-posing-as-a-17-year-old vampire. What? That sounds ridiculous! Loving a man that's younger?! I know. It's crazy.
I do however have a bone to pick with Miss Stephanie Meyer.
Thanks a lot Miss Meyer, for creating a being so perfect it makes all real men pale in comparison (no pun intended, really). Imagine all the disappointed girls who begin dating only to find out men aren't really like that! Imagine all the disappointed women who are married, suddenly wishing they were sleeping next to a vampire instead of their own pathetic middle aged balding fat husband. Imagine all the disappointed gay men who know that Edward's heart (and rock hard body) belongs only to a woman. You know what Stephanie Meyer? You just set up generations of girls to be disappointed in their inevitable future interactions with the opposite sex. You just set up complete disappointment in women currently in a relationship!
You have effectively ruined any future romantic affairs for all teen girls and 20-somethings alike!
I will, Miss Stephanie Meyer, begin reading Midnight Sun. The version of Twilight from Edwards point of view, not because I want to, but because I am addicted. As an addict, I have no choice but to feed my thirst (pun intended) for your fictional being.
I do however have a bone to pick with Miss Stephanie Meyer.
Thanks a lot Miss Meyer, for creating a being so perfect it makes all real men pale in comparison (no pun intended, really). Imagine all the disappointed girls who begin dating only to find out men aren't really like that! Imagine all the disappointed women who are married, suddenly wishing they were sleeping next to a vampire instead of their own pathetic middle aged balding fat husband. Imagine all the disappointed gay men who know that Edward's heart (and rock hard body) belongs only to a woman. You know what Stephanie Meyer? You just set up generations of girls to be disappointed in their inevitable future interactions with the opposite sex. You just set up complete disappointment in women currently in a relationship!
You have effectively ruined any future romantic affairs for all teen girls and 20-somethings alike!
I will, Miss Stephanie Meyer, begin reading Midnight Sun. The version of Twilight from Edwards point of view, not because I want to, but because I am addicted. As an addict, I have no choice but to feed my thirst (pun intended) for your fictional being.
Thanks a lot Stephanie Meyer.
12.02.2008
Fatty bitches
I just came across an article in the New York Times about obesity. It said that experts believe that the most accurate way to tell if someone is overweight is to calculate their body mass index (BMI).
I have a better idea. How about if you look at yourself in the mirror and you look fat, you're overweight!
Take that "experts"
I wonder what their BMI is?
I have a better idea. How about if you look at yourself in the mirror and you look fat, you're overweight!
Take that "experts"
I wonder what their BMI is?
Penis Transplant, um, ok
The world's first penis transplant recipent had the doctors reverse the procedure! What? Does this man now have no penis? A Chinese man received "the 10-centimeter (4-inch) organ" from a 22 year old man who had died. My question: was that the size while erect? If so, that's probably the psychological damage his wife was complaining about.
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