Who Says Latin Women Aren't Dramatic...

How annoyingly typical

Population Control

Miss USA Takes Stripper Lessons From Little Girls

The newly crowned Miss USA has (shockingly enough) pole dancing pictures...

Amazingly enough, here's where she learned her moves that won her first place in that stripper pole contest

James Franco & the MOMA Can Suck It

I used to like James Franco, but now I think he's just a f**king tool. Just like I thought my trip to the MOMA was a waste of an hour of my life I'll never get back. The MOMA has an exhibition by some weird chick and it's the stupidest thing ever! Why can't art be art anymore?!?! Why can't people create something beautiful with oil paints or sculpt something from marble? Why?
Because they're all freaks!

James Franco At MoMA

That's not fucking art! That is some douchebag actor trying too hard with some narcissistic weirdo "artist".

"Oh look at me, I can sit in a chair and not speak... I wasn't neglected or abused as a child, I just like this kind of attention for no reason..."

You should sit in a chair and not speak more often James. Behind closed doors, with no cameras, so we will never have to see you again. And please take Abramović with you.

Go fuck yourself MOMA.

Thank You Scientology

For this horrifying yet hysterical attempt by TomKat



(video viaThe Daily Motion)

June 30th, Watch the F@#K Out!

Eclipse is coming! Eclipse is coming!

Since I've been taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I will make certain that no little 13-year old bitch gets in front of me at the box office...



& another!!!


This will be the day my husband calls me a creepy 20-something for thinking Taylor Lautner is super hot with his shirt off. I don't care!

20 Year Old Hayden Panettiere Mistaken for 63 Year Old Hillary Clinton

Just because you're dating someone who could be your grandpa, doesn't mean you have to look like a grandma.

Finally, Porn in Braille for the Blind!

The best line in here is...

"Turns out he's gay and I was giving him nude women to explore"

Yeah, I'm sure that's why he wasn't turned on by the braille porn, because they were women, not because it's a weird raised piece of paper. Great journalism. Keep it up CNN

Well, if Sarah Palin Can (Sorta) Do It...

Then why not a 19 year old?

Just Call Yourselves Iranian!

WTF?

Maybe it's because I'm a New Yorker, and here, people are straight up with their nationality. Maybe it's because I can only picture the big creepy pierced guy from the movie 300, but when someone says they're Persian, I don't fucking get it. Why?

Serisously, please enlighten me.

The first time I went out to LA and someone told me they were Persian I stopped, looked around, and then realized I wasn't in the Middle East in 550 BCE

Anyway, to make matters worse (as if not tying yourself to your 'motherland' by hiding behind some cat name isn't bad enough) MTV is making the Persian Version of the Jersey Shore.

I've said it before, I'll say it again:

"Persians" and Guidos are exactly the same!

They both dress like bejeweled douchedicks.

The chicks always have straight black hair that's much too long and they wear too much make-up.

They all drive Beamers and Benzs

They are all way too proud.

Here's a tip for both Persians and Guido's alike:

If you think you're so down with being Italian or Iranian, go back to the country from where your ancestors are. See what they think of you.

Stiff Hips = In Vitro Fertilization

I guess we all now know why Kate needed some extra help conceiving her litter... look at how stiff her hips are!

What Service

For all the mean services, you have to pay full price.

Totally Saw This Coming...

Guess I was right 10 years after my first speculation...

Is it really so shockero People en Espanol? Really?

Just What Hollywood is Missing... 3-D Boobies

We all know Heidi Montag has lost her shit. But this time, I think she needs an intervention; a don't-you -know-psychics-can't-manage-your-"career"-and-nobody-wants-a-movie-starring-your-3D boobs?

Yes. Heidi Montag wrote a screen play in which she is the lead who plays a life guard named Summer. Oh and the mayor of the beach town is Dolly Parton. Oh and it's in 3-D. Oh and when I sad Heidi is the lead, I meant her triple D tata's.

(photo via anythinghollywood.com)

I give her 6 months before she's writing a "screen play" in which she has sex with that god-awful blond bearded thing she calls her husband.

Betty-est Day Ever!

"Now that over 480,000 Facebook fans have put in their request, Betty White will finally make an appearance on 'Saturday Night Live."

(source: PopEater.com)

My day just got a bagillion times better

May 8th - get ready to almost die from laughter

Give Me... *OSCAR* Movie Reviews!

So tonight is the Oscars, and I am sitting here watching it, appreciating the hilarity brought forth by the only two men I would ever consider leaving my husband for, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. I didn't see all of the best movie nominees, but I saw a few, so here is the only review you ever need to pay any attention to!



Avatar
I saw this in 3-D and apparently unlike the rest of the world, I do not enjoy a 3 hour movie in 3-D. That doesn't mean I didn't like the movie, I actually LOVED it. It was beautiful, touching and pretty much really f**king cool to watch. The acting was great, especially by that Zoe Saldana (who I want to hate because she's so friggin pretty, but can't seem to dislike because she's also adorable) My very few complaints? Too long! the other thing, Jake Sully (Sam Worthignton) had some of the cheesiest lines, like laughable really. Overall, it was a really great movie, go see it, spend the money, it's totally worth it.

Up In The Air

Are you kidding me?!?! This should have been nominated for a Razzie! WORST MOVIE EVER! When I meet George Clooney, I'm asking for a refund, he's now on the list along with Brad Pitt. The movie was slow and boring. Yeah ok, I get it Jason Reitman, the economy sucks, people are getting laid off. Why then should I go to the theater and pay $13 to watch it?! I'll just turn on the news! I want someone to comment on this post and tell me why I'm wrong because it was painful to watch. My husband FELL ASLEEP! The one good thing? George Clooney's line:

"I stereotype because it's faster" that line my dear friends is brilliant.

That was the only good thing about this film. Really wait for it on cable.





District 9
I had no idea what this movie was supposed to be about when I put it in the DVD palyer, but I soon found out. It's shot documentary style which is awesome because the story is really told so much better. You can't help but side with these aliens and think that the baby one is so cute! Some people on my facebook news feed got a little carried away with the "meaning" behind the film. Yeah, anyone with a brain can figure it out, you're not a genius for making the observation but thanks anyway. Nice try.



UP
What an adorable movie. Should it have been nominated for best picture? No, but it was a really cute story, but again, a little too long, even though it was only an hour and half, it felt longer.
Cute movie, but no Wall-E.


Inglourious Bastards
I can't fairly review this movie, because I can't stand Quentin Tarantino or anything that he makes (yes even Kill Bill, so shoot me)
I will say that I hated Brad Pitt in this and I could not buy B.J. Novak as a nazi killer, he should stick to the office. Oh and Eli Roth, seriously? Your face on the screen makes me want to go into a violent rage and kill the screen on which you appear. Please, do not try to "act" I'm embarassed for you. Really.


I didn't see the other Best Picture nominees Precisous, The Blind Side, The Hurt Locker, An Education or A Serisous Man. I've heard The Hurt Locker is fantastic and Katherine Bigelow should win best director. I hope she does, because I'm sick of james Cameron!

What's a Haiku You Ask?

Well I'll tell you....

It's a poem. Three lines. First line 5 syllables, second line 7 syllables and third line 5 syllables.

5-7-5.

"But Nicky, this isn't funny" you say

I know. I'm just making a point, a very important point. That point is: just because you are a professor, does not mean that you are always correct. And when I am right, don't tell me I am wrong. That said here is my story from my Cognitive Psychology class this morning:

Freiden-douche: What's a haiku?

Nicky: It's a three line poem whose syllables are 5-7-5

Freiden-douche: Actually it's 7-5-7

Nicky: I don't think so

Freiden-douche: Actually it is, I know. I write haiku, and am trying to get them published, so...

So, so maybe they're not published because you are WRONG! Geeze you weird artificial intelligence robot-loving, creepy eye starring, looks-like-a-thin-Ben-from-LOST; do your research:

Here's a haiku just for you Freiden-douche:

Oh what do you think
That you know how to haiku?
I don’t think you do

(Check out those syllables bitch)

Curling, the Most Sexual Olympic Sport

You can't write this shit...

"What's Shiatsu?"

"I don't know, probably another word for happy ending"

-a typical conversation between me and my husband

Which Came First?

It's the old the chicken or the egg arguement...

Vajazzling, It's Exactly What You Think It Is

My first reaction to vajazzling? WTF?

Jennifer 'Loser' Hewitt talks about vajazzling with George Lopez on his talk show, and if I wasn't violently disgusted by both of them, I would show you the clip. But I'm not going to, so you can see it here. Apparently this is what she does to cheer herself up. I'm beginning to understand maybe why she doesn't have any bling on her hand... because it goes to her vagina!

First things first. If you are waxing your vag to make it smooth, why in the hell would you then have tiny little crystals glued (yes I said glued!) onto you? I'm sure if you wait a few days after you shave and then spray the nubbins with some silvery stuff, you'd get the same-ish effect.


This chick (in the picture above) Bryce Gruber, decided that since she's had a hospital room full of people take stock of her goods while giving birth, then why not have a camera crew along for an informational documentation of vajazzling? Another lady with the bling in the wrong place...

I'm deeply interested in what a man, any man (well, maybe not a gay man, sorry boys not for this one) thinks about this....

Seriously... I'm dying to know

Jay-Z Sexy Time

Who knew Jay was so funny? And who knew it wasn't just normal people having sex on Skype!
I feel more like a celebrity...

If You Hate Your Valentine... Get Them This!

Ever wonder what to get that special Valentine that you just can't stand?

Ever wonder what to do when some one wants you to hug them, but you're disgusted by even the thought?

Have you ever wanted to tell someone, "You're just not worth actual human affection"?

Then you need the....

Yep that's an actual product...



And..... it comes with wooden roses, because this special someone only deserves fake things!

The Irony