Smarter Than I Look

Who Says Latin Women Aren't Dramatic...

2010-06-10T01:09:00.002-04:00

How annoyingly typical

Population Control

2010-05-28T19:14:00.005-04:00

Miss USA Takes Stripper Lessons From Little Girls

2010-05-20T15:38:00.009-04:00

The newly crowned Miss USA has (shockingly enough) pole dancing pictures...

Amazingly enough, here's where she learned her moves that won her first place in that stripper pole contest

James Franco & the MOMA Can Suck It

2010-05-12T08:39:00.004-04:00

I used to like James Franco, but now I think he's just a f**king tool. Just like I thought my trip to the MOMA was a waste of an hour of my life I'll never get back. The MOMA has an exhibition by some weird chick and it's the stupidest thing ever! Why can't art be art anymore?!?! Why can't people create something beautiful with oil paints or sculpt something from marble? Why?
Because they're all freaks!

James Franco At MoMA

That's not fucking art! That is some douchebag actor trying too hard with some narcissistic weirdo "artist".

"Oh look at me, I can sit in a chair and not speak... I wasn't neglected or abused as a child, I just like this kind of attention for no reason..."

You should sit in a chair and not speak more often James. Behind closed doors, with no cameras, so we will never have to see you again. And please take Abramović with you.

Go fuck yourself MOMA.

Thank You Scientology

2010-05-07T08:57:00.002-04:00

For this horrifying yet hysterical attempt by TomKat

(video viaThe Daily Motion)

June 30th, Watch the F@#K Out!

2010-04-24T09:45:00.011-04:00

Eclipse is coming! Eclipse is coming!

Since I've been taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I will make certain that no little 13-year old bitch gets in front of me at the box office...

& another!!!

This will be the day my husband calls me a creepy 20-something for thinking Taylor Lautner is super hot with his shirt off. I don't care!

20 Year Old Hayden Panettiere Mistaken for 63 Year Old Hillary Clinton

2010-04-23T11:29:00.005-04:00

Just because you're dating someone who could be your grandpa, doesn't mean you have to look like a grandma.

Finally, Porn in Braille for the Blind!

2010-04-22T22:49:00.004-04:00

The best line in here is...

"Turns out he's gay and I was giving him nude women to explore"

Yeah, I'm sure that's why he wasn't turned on by the braille porn, because they were women, not because it's a weird raised piece of paper. Great journalism. Keep it up CNN

Well, if Sarah Palin Can (Sorta) Do It...

2010-04-11T16:35:00.002-04:00

Then why not a 19 year old?

Just Call Yourselves Iranian!

2010-04-09T18:24:00.004-04:00

WTF?

Maybe it's because I'm a New Yorker, and here, people are straight up with their nationality. Maybe it's because I can only picture the big creepy pierced guy from the movie 300, but when someone says they're Persian, I don't fucking get it. Why?

Serisously, please enlighten me.

The first time I went out to LA and someone told me they were Persian I stopped, looked around, and then realized I wasn't in the Middle East in 550 BCE

Anyway, to make matters worse (as if not tying yourself to your 'motherland' by hiding behind some cat name isn't bad enough) MTV is making the Persian Version of the Jersey Shore.

I've said it before, I'll say it again:

"Persians" and Guidos are exactly the same!

They both dress like bejeweled douchedicks.

The chicks always have straight black hair that's much too long and they wear too much make-up.

They all drive Beamers and Benzs

They are all way too proud.

Here's a tip for both Persians and Guido's alike:

If you think you're so down with being Italian or Iranian, go back to the country from where your ancestors are. See what they think of you.

Stiff Hips = In Vitro Fertilization

2010-04-07T19:10:00.002-04:00

I guess we all now know why Kate needed some extra help conceiving her litter... look at how stiff her hips are!

What Service

2010-04-06T23:41:00.001-04:00

For all the mean services, you have to pay full price.

Totally Saw This Coming...

2010-03-29T18:20:00.004-04:00

Guess I was right 10 years after my first speculation...

Is it really so shockero People en Espanol? Really?

Just What Hollywood is Missing... 3-D Boobies

2010-03-26T08:13:00.004-04:00

We all know Heidi Montag has lost her shit. But this time, I think she needs an intervention; a don't-you -know-psychics-can't-manage-your-"career"-and-nobody-wants-a-movie-starring-your-3D boobs?

Yes. Heidi Montag wrote a screen play in which she is the lead who plays a life guard named Summer. Oh and the mayor of the beach town is Dolly Parton. Oh and it's in 3-D. Oh and when I sad Heidi is the lead, I meant her triple D tata's.

(photo via anythinghollywood.com)

I give her 6 months before she's writing a "screen play" in which she has sex with that god-awful blond bearded thing she calls her husband.

Betty-est Day Ever!

2010-03-11T20:10:00.004-05:00

"Now that over 480,000 Facebook fans have put in their request, Betty White will finally make an appearance on 'Saturday Night Live."

(source: PopEater.com)

My day just got a bagillion times better

May 8th - get ready to almost die from laughter

Give Me... OSCAR Movie Reviews!

2010-03-07T22:29:00.011-05:00

So tonight is the Oscars, and I am sitting here watching it, appreciating the hilarity brought forth by the only two men I would ever consider leaving my husband for, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. I didn't see all of the best movie nominees, but I saw a few, so here is the only review you ever need to pay any attention to!

Avatar
I saw this in 3-D and apparently unlike the rest of the world, I do not enjoy a 3 hour movie in 3-D. That doesn't mean I didn't like the movie, I actually LOVED it. It was beautiful, touching and pretty much really f**king cool to watch. The acting was great, especially by that Zoe Saldana (who I want to hate because she's so friggin pretty, but can't seem to dislike because she's also adorable) My very few complaints? Too long! the other thing, Jake Sully (Sam Worthignton) had some of the cheesiest lines, like laughable really. Overall, it was a really great movie, go see it, spend the money, it's totally worth it.

Up In The Air

Are you kidding me?!?! This should have been nominated for a Razzie! WORST MOVIE EVER! When I meet George Clooney, I'm asking for a refund, he's now on the list along with Brad Pitt. The movie was slow and boring. Yeah ok, I get it Jason Reitman, the economy sucks, people are getting laid off. Why then should I go to the theater and pay $13 to watch it?! I'll just turn on the news! I want someone to comment on this post and tell me why I'm wrong because it was painful to watch. My husband FELL ASLEEP! The one good thing? George Clooney's line:

"I stereotype because it's faster" that line my dear friends is brilliant.

That was the only good thing about this film. Really wait for it on cable.

District 9
I had no idea what this movie was supposed to be about when I put it in the DVD palyer, but I soon found out. It's shot documentary style which is awesome because the story is really told so much better. You can't help but side with these aliens and think that the baby one is so cute! Some people on my facebook news feed got a little carried away with the "meaning" behind the film. Yeah, anyone with a brain can figure it out, you're not a genius for making the observation but thanks anyway. Nice try.

UP
What an adorable movie. Should it have been nominated for best picture? No, but it was a really cute story, but again, a little too long, even though it was only an hour and half, it felt longer.
Cute movie, but no Wall-E.

Inglourious Bastards
I can't fairly review this movie, because I can't stand Quentin Tarantino or anything that he makes (yes even Kill Bill, so shoot me)
I will say that I hated Brad Pitt in this and I could not buy B.J. Novak as a nazi killer, he should stick to the office. Oh and Eli Roth, seriously? Your face on the screen makes me want to go into a violent rage and kill the screen on which you appear. Please, do not try to "act" I'm embarassed for you. Really.

I didn't see the other Best Picture nominees Precisous, The Blind Side, The Hurt Locker, An Education or A Serisous Man. I've heard The Hurt Locker is fantastic and Katherine Bigelow should win best director. I hope she does, because I'm sick of james Cameron!

What's a Haiku You Ask?

2010-03-05T22:55:00.002-05:00

Well I'll tell you....

It's a poem. Three lines. First line 5 syllables, second line 7 syllables and third line 5 syllables.

5-7-5.

"But Nicky, this isn't funny" you say

I know. I'm just making a point, a very important point. That point is: just because you are a professor, does not mean that you are always correct. And when I am right, don't tell me I am wrong. That said here is my story from my Cognitive Psychology class this morning:

Freiden-douche: What's a haiku?

Nicky: It's a three line poem whose syllables are 5-7-5

Freiden-douche: Actually it's 7-5-7

Nicky: I don't think so

Freiden-douche: Actually it is, I know. I write haiku, and am trying to get them published, so...

So, so maybe they're not published because you are WRONG! Geeze you weird artificial intelligence robot-loving, creepy eye starring, looks-like-a-thin-Ben-from-LOST; do your research:

Here's a haiku just for you Freiden-douche:

Oh what do you think
That you know how to haiku?
I don’t think you do

(Check out those syllables bitch)

Curling, the Most Sexual Olympic Sport

2010-03-03T19:41:00.002-05:00

You can't write this shit...

"What's Shiatsu?"

2010-03-01T22:25:00.003-05:00

"I don't know, probably another word for happy ending"

-a typical conversation between me and my husband

Which Came First?

2010-02-26T10:52:00.004-05:00

It's the old the chicken or the egg arguement...

Vajazzling, It's Exactly What You Think It Is

2010-02-25T17:51:00.007-05:00

My first reaction to vajazzling? WTF?

Jennifer 'Loser' Hewitt talks about vajazzling with George Lopez on his talk show, and if I wasn't violently disgusted by both of them, I would show you the clip. But I'm not going to, so you can see it here. Apparently this is what she does to cheer herself up. I'm beginning to understand maybe why she doesn't have any bling on her hand... because it goes to her vagina!

First things first. If you are waxing your vag to make it smooth, why in the hell would you then have tiny little crystals glued (yes I said glued!) onto you? I'm sure if you wait a few days after you shave and then spray the nubbins with some silvery stuff, you'd get the same-ish effect.

This chick (in the picture above) Bryce Gruber, decided that since she's had a hospital room full of people take stock of her goods while giving birth, then why not have a camera crew along for an informational documentation of vajazzling? Another lady with the bling in the wrong place...

I'm deeply interested in what a man, any man (well, maybe not a gay man, sorry boys not for this one) thinks about this....

Seriously... I'm dying to know

Jay-Z Sexy Time

2010-02-20T23:00:00.007-05:00

Who knew Jay was so funny? And who knew it wasn't just normal people having sex on Skype!
I feel more like a celebrity...

If You Hate Your Valentine... Get Them This!

2010-02-12T16:17:00.008-05:00

Ever wonder what to get that special Valentine that you just can't stand?

Ever wonder what to do when some one wants you to hug them, but you're disgusted by even the thought?

Have you ever wanted to tell someone, "You're just not worth actual human affection"?

Then you need the....

Yep that's an actual product...

And..... it comes with wooden roses, because this special someone only deserves fake things!

The Irony

2010-02-08T12:49:00.001-05:00

Some Memorial Service Huh?

2009-07-09T19:48:00.003-04:00

He was a great musician, as a person he was questionable. So I refused to watch the memorial service/show/performance/concert.

It did make me wonder though...

If that kind of memorial service was given to MJ, I wonder what's in store of OJ?

Billy Mays Death Explained

2009-07-01T15:33:00.002-04:00

Confirmed

2009-06-25T18:38:00.004-04:00

The King of Pop is poppin' no more confirms CNN.

Michael Jackson died today due to cardiac arrest and is scheduled to appear for judgement right behind Farrah Fawcett. Something tells me they may be parting ways at the pearly gates...

Miss California FAIL

2009-06-11T20:45:00.006-04:00

Fake tits and a fake personality will only take you so far and no one knows this better than [former] Miss California, Carrie Prejean.

Trump fired her ass, and the best part of this is she found out about her dethroning from Billy Bush on his morning talk show:

Billy Bush broke the news to Prejean on Wednesday afternoon when he called her for Access Hollywood and "The Billy Bush Show."

"We've just found out from Keith Lewis, your executive director there, that it's official, they have put out a statement and you have been fired," Bush said.

"Well, that's the first that I know about that, Billy," Prejean said.

"Really?" he continued.

"Yeah. I was just talking to my lawyer and I just got a phone call from you and I've gotten some text messages saying 'Hey, is this really true?' and I said, 'True about what?' and they said, 'That you've been fired.' And I started to laugh because everyone's been cooperating and everyone's been getting along so well," she said. "This is the first that I've heard of it. This is funny to me. I have no idea what's going on."

-Quote via Yahoo.com

My thoughts? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Bitch.

Give Me... Trailer Reviews!!

2009-06-11T19:55:00.013-04:00

Hells yes...

I retract my earlier statement about New Moon. I will be the first one in line pushing 12 year-old girls aside for my ticket.

Totally Shocking & Completely Unexpecteed News!

2009-06-10T00:29:00.003-04:00

Adam Lambert reveals in his Rolling Stone interview that he's gay.

Did not see that one coming.

I'm Back!!!!!!

2009-06-03T01:17:00.002-04:00

Nicky, where the fuck have you been for the past few months??

Going freakin' insane! But alas my dedicated followers I am back in action, for I have missed all the cynicism and and ridicule I place within this world.

So let me begin with....

John & Kate
Yeah I'm going there, deal with it. Hey Gosselins, guess what, it's obvious to the world that John cheated and Kate is having no part of it, so just come out and say it. John you're a douche for cheating with a 23 year old and partying at a college bar and Kate, you're too controlling for life itself so relax a little (I do have to admit I'm still on team Kate.) Little Gosselin kids; you're adorable.

Eminem
If you're attempting a comeback, you gotta reinvent yourself. This ain't 1999 anymore Em so stop sounding like that same old lame ass white boy. Slim Shady, please sit down.

'nuf said

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
I'm addicted. Thank you.

Bitches

People Who Exploit Their Children = Awesome People

2009-04-07T15:23:00.003-04:00

There is nothing better than a parent taping their kids doing ridiculous things, and then putting them on the Internet for the world to enjoy.

Unless this exploitation includes a red-headed child.

Now there is nothing better than that.

UFC Fighters & Goats... One In The Same

2009-03-18T10:00:00.003-04:00

I've totally seen this somewhere before.... if only I can remember where...

GOP Party is Desperate

2009-03-18T09:32:00.005-04:00

The Republican party is not only recruiting Elizabeth Hasselback's womb, but they are now so desperate to counteract Rush Limbaugh's disastrous remarks about hoping that President Obama "fails", they're creating a scary young following.

Like this kid, who I think isn't even a real human child, but more like a creepy new wave terminator type cyborg.

Creepy.

The End of The World is Near

2009-03-17T22:10:00.004-04:00

Because as if there wasn't enough crap on television, now there are the real desperate housewives of........

wait for it.....................

wait for it..........................

New Jersey

Are you kidding me???????? As if Jersey isn't bad enough; smelling like burning tires, producing Guido Beach, and the True Life: Jersey Shore disaster.

HELLO!!! Now you're going to introduce these real-life desperate housewives to America and think peoples opinions of dirty Jerz is going to change? It's going to make it worse! I already know what these bitches are going to sound like with their trashy accents and their dire attempts to prove they are in fact 'strong east coast (probably Italian American) women'.

Know what Bravo? You can take your desperate Jersey mom's, and shove them up your ass.

Aha Moments, Making Me Want To Vomit

2009-03-13T10:04:00.002-04:00

Living in NYC I see weird things, strange phenomena that baffles the mind. One of these strange (and gross) phenomena is really old moms.

You know what? Women go through menopause for a reason. Because you are not supposed to be pregnant when you're old! The grossest thing I see on a pretty regular basis is a woman in her mid or late 40's pregnant!

What?!?! What is wrong with you? Now you want a family?

Oh, ok, so you wanted a great career. Fine, that's admirable, go girl. But now you want a great career and a baby? I think you're selfish. If you live in Manhattan, have a successful career and now you're having a baby, you're probably not going to raise it anyway! You're Caribbean baby nurse/nanny will be taking care of that kid.

Seriously. A woman with gray hair and wrinkles with a protruding womb is GROSS!

It's Terrible to Laugh at Poor Defenseless Animals

2009-03-13T09:46:00.002-04:00

But I do anyway

Shocking

2009-03-13T09:21:00.005-04:00

Bristol Palin & her fiance call off the wedding.

A source says it's because Bristol's boobs didn't stay as inflated as Levi had hoped.

Move Over Hollywood

2009-03-10T08:51:00.003-04:00

Indie artistis are movin' in.

check her out here

Give Me... Movie Reviews!

2009-03-08T08:08:00.007-04:00

Ok, so I'm a little behind on this one but I finally got around to seeing Twilight and boy was I let the f*** down!

WHAT?!

Ok, I get it. I know that movies are NEVER as good as the book, so I sat down to watch this move with that in mind. While the movie as a whole is expected to not be up to par, the acting totally sucked vampire balls. Rob Pattinson, you were fine. Kristen Stewart - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Not only do you bring no personality to Bella, you don't ever stop twitching!

What do you have turrets? An eyelash in your eye? Some weird twitching disease? What is wrong with you?

And would it kill you to be somewhat interesting in an interview? You bore me to sleep and are awfully obnoxious for someone so uninteresting. There should have been talk of recasting you instead of soon-to-be gay man idol Taylor Lautner. Although they should have replaced Taylor with this guy. Or this one.

Serisouly Kristen, a student in an acting 101 class at community college could act circles around you....... literally.

Oh and the director, Catherine Hardwick - thank you for not coming back for New Moon! Did you shoot this on a Handicam? Was that the reason for all the weird angles and sometimes shaky feeling?

I doubt I'll be watching New Moon when it comes out.

6th Kardashian Sister Introduced to the World

2009-02-23T08:02:00.003-05:00

(photo via http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/)

A 6th Kardashian sister (the result from a secret affair Chris Kardashian had 3 years ago) has been found and adopted into the circus, um... I mean family.

Clearly these girls pay no attention to current events, once again proving fame either rots the brain, or really stupid people are famous - for no reason.

Got a Sibling? Then No Need For Tiger Shulman's Self-Defense Class

2009-02-21T20:23:00.003-05:00

The most bad-ass woman in history attacked, and held a robber by giving him a wedgie, and putting him in a headlock!

When police arrived on the scene they thanked Yvonne Morris and handed her back the book that fell from her purse during the chase.

A Pound of Gourmet Chololate & Candy Panties Please

2009-02-18T18:22:00.007-05:00

Just last night I introduced my fiance to the store that is just as sure as FAO Schwartz to make a grown man regress to a 5-year-old.

It was glorious! The colors! The lights! The smells! The erotic candy panties!??

Uh huh. Right there next to the dulce de leche fudge and rock candy was this...

It's his and hers!

That's what she said!

(I couldn't resist)

Why Marry Jewish? Facebook Says So!

2009-02-15T20:00:00.003-05:00

This is the single greatest advertisement I've seen on Facebook.

Huh.

2009-02-12T18:20:00.001-05:00

Brother Ray: If you could dine with anyone in the world, living or deceased, who would it be?
Me: Well, it's really a toss up between Alec Baldwin and Jesus.

>awkward silence<

A Visit to the Dentist: The New Gateway Drug

2009-02-10T07:57:00.004-05:00

I know I've said this is the only reason I would have kids, but this is the other reason...

Fantastic. That's all there is to it. Fan-freakin-tastic!

The Cure for Lonliness? 14 Kids, Clearly!

2009-02-04T10:34:00.003-05:00

The crazy bitch that just popped out a litter of babies last week is rumored to have been a "lonely" only child. She figured having 14 kids was the answer to her problems.

Elizabeth Hasselback: Chronic Breeder

2009-02-01T10:27:00.005-05:00

So distraught over the GOP loss back in November Elizabeth Hasselback is on a one woman mission to repopulate America with the next generation of republicans.

Fantastic. Now we'll have more republicans and dumb blonds.

Got $155,000 to blow? Clone Your Dog!

2009-01-28T09:34:00.003-05:00

Why save a dog from the pound? Why buy a puppy from the local pet store? Because instead you can spend a ridiculous amount of money on cloning your dead dog!

Do what the old rich white people do! Clone your pets!

What recession? $155,000 is a small price to pay when your days on earth are numbered and you're looking for unconditional love from something that can't talk back to you.

"Wha chu mean I no espeak a whyte?"

2009-01-27T19:54:00.006-05:00

Some parents raise their children to reach for the stars and dream big. Some parents encourage their children to attain their full potential and tell them they can be "whatever they want to be."

This was obviously the case for this piece of work.

What the hell is wrong with this trashy-ass-drag-queen look-alike?

"It was kind of like my dream to work at the [Hawaiian Tropic Zone],"

-Morales

WHAT?!?!

You mean your dream isn't to live uneducated and in poverty, pregnant living off tax payer money? Girl yo dreams' is big!

Here's my opinion.

You didn't get the job not because you didn't sound "white" but probably because you sounded uneducated.

You didn't get the job not because you're "ghetto" but because your brown lip liner and frosted lipstick screams 1996.

You didn't get the job not because you don't look good in a bikini.... er.... well actually, that picture of you in the Daily News does scream "Bad photoshopping! Check out the jagged contour of my waist! I'm not that thin!"

So Miss Morales I'm sure there's some brains in that pretty little head of yours, put it to good use.

A Letter to the Elderly

2009-01-27T18:14:00.005-05:00

Dear Old People of New York City,

You are all really pissing me off. Let me begin by saying that I was raised the right way. I offer my seat on the subway or bus to seniors and pregnant women. I offer them to get on the subway car before me. I even smile nod and make small talk with those crazy ones out there seeking the smallest amount of human interaction.

But enough is enough!

I am sick of the shuffling old ladies trying to knock me down to get on the bus first. I am sick of old people telling me I can't exit the emergency exit on the platform when I'm late for work. If I really cared what the hell you had to say about the situation, I would ask your insane nosey ass.

But I do not!

Don't get me wrong seniors, I respect you. But as soon as you start pushing the envelope, getting nasty, nosey and butting in where you don't belong do not be surprised when I tell you where you can shove it. New York City isn't a place for the miserable and decrepit. So, stop wasting your breath and slow your roll. I'm going to let you on the bus first. I'm going to offer my seat to you, but if you get pushy, I'm gonna push right back.

Sincerely,
Nicky

2009-01-20T20:28:00.002-05:00

"I thought that was you just singing terribly....... it's not you?"
-Brian calling to me in the next room where I was watching American Idol. Loudly.

The Inaugural Benediction (part II)

2009-01-20T19:57:00.005-05:00

I have the most educated readers.

Thank you!

When an Administration Ends...

2009-01-20T15:31:00.003-05:00

...work at Abercrombie!

Like this former Bush employee.

2009-01-20T13:06:00.005-05:00

"...know that America is a nation of peace and dignity and we are ready to lead once more..."
- President Barack Obama

The Inaugural Benediction

2009-01-20T13:00:00.004-05:00

Rev. Lowery was completely inspiring in his delivery of the Inaugural Benediction

“I’m equally certain that we will continue to pray for justice to roll down as waters, and for that day when there will be peace in the valley, and for that day when every man and every woman will sit under his or her own vine and fig tree and none will be afraid, and for that day when black will not be asked to get back, brown can stick around, yellow will be mellow, the red man can get ahead, man, and white will embrace what is right! Amen!”

Amen indeed!

Inauguration Day!

2009-01-20T10:23:00.005-05:00

Today is also the start of my spring semester, but this morning I got an awesome e-mail...

"Welcome back for the start of the spring 2009 semester. On January 20, 2009,

Barack Obama will be sworn in as President of the United States of America. This occasion takes on great historical significance as President-elect Obama will be the first African American to be inaugurated as President. To allow members of the College community to participate in this historic occasion, the College will suspend the class schedule from 11:15 a.m. through 1:15 p.m. on January 20, 2009. The schedule will resume with the classes starting at 1:25 p.m."

Thank You Barack Obama!

Also, I want one of these to remember this historical day.

Things That Make Me Cry

2009-01-18T20:31:00.003-05:00

1. Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
2. This letter from Barack Obama to his daughters

Seriously, the tears won't stop.

Real Furby!?

2009-01-18T10:10:00.007-05:00

When I was younger the Furby craze hit and it hit hard. My sister and I, like every other kid wanted it. Needed it. Demanded it. And, like every able bodied parent who tries to fulfill their children's ridiculous desires, my dad left for the store and waited in line at 3AM for a 6AM opening. He described the scene as a total madhouse where parents were shoving, yelling, pushing, and kicking to get their hands on the tiny talking eyes-eerily-human-like furry dolls. Luckily he escaped with minor injuries and two glorious Furby dolls with which my sister and I played with for approximately 20 minutes before we lost interest.

Now, science has uncovered a real-life Furby.

"They have the distinctive, big-eyed look often associated with Furbys, gremlin-like talking toys that were popular in the late 1990s. Compared with the robotic Furbys, however, the real animals' dimensions are seriously downsized: They typically measure less than 4 inches (105 mm) from head to tail, with most of that length being tail. They weigh less than 2 ounces. And unlike Furbys, they hardly ever vocalize."

(via msnbc.msn.com)

What?! They don't vocalize? Can they still mimic me and and learn up to 30 words a day? NO?!!!

Well dad, I'd still like one. Start searching for airfare to Mount Rorekatimbo. Also, if you can find one that looks like the black and white one I used to have that'd be great. I promise I'll play with it every day! And I'll teach him to talk! I'll love him like he's my very own!

You Can Suck It

2009-01-12T10:24:00.002-05:00

I guess I haven't really made it until I'm outright hated on the internet...

...any takers?

Post Racial America!

2009-01-12T10:16:00.003-05:00

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

2009-01-10T12:52:00.001-05:00

"Did I just wink at myself in the mirror?"
- Brian

Call Me Crazy...

2009-01-09T20:42:00.006-05:00

My obsession over something hasn't been this enormous since Titanic, and the pang of jealousy my friend and I felt when we discovered a girl much more clever than ourselves had come up with the screen name "RoseDawson" (I really can't even make this up)

But after a very obsessive-compulsive addiciton to the Twilight Saga I decided I want to feel 14 again! So, I've done a little research and found this fan-freakin-tastic website.

My girlfriends and I have been talking about a get-away for just us three (don't judge me, so I only have two friends) and I'm seriously considering putting Forks, Washington on the table. I mean La Push looks nice enough for three 20-somethings to sit on the beach and watch the sunset. So it may be a little colder than the Caribbean that we've talked about. I'm sure we could handle it. We're New Yorkers for crying out loud!

I'm going to try with all the conniving and persuasive tricks I have up my sleeve to get a trip to Forks.

All I want to know is who's coming with me?

(photo via Forks Forum)

No Accent Tom?

2009-01-07T09:40:00.012-05:00

Probably because the reenactment actors didn't speak. No worries though, you're quite believable as a german Nazi with a neutral American accent.

I'm sure that Tom Cruise is dedicated to his line of work, and because of this I'm sure he does all the proper research a role requires before he starts playing a German Nazi with no German accent.

Good thing you're paid the big bucks Tom.

With that said, I decided that Tom sat down one night with a bowl of popcorn and watched the Discovery Channel Documentary, Unsolved History: Killing Hitler. This my dear friends is so amusing because Tom studied my fiance's performance as the famed Clause Von Stauffenberg.

To think, Tom and Katie sitting at home (on what I can only picture in my imagination to be a yellow leather couch) studying Brian's every move and mannerism. Then Tom jumping up and shouting "But he doesn't do an accent! I too shall have no accent!"

This my friends is how a character is born.

What was that? You too want to learn how to be Claus Von Stauffenberg? Ok!

(skip to 6 minutes and 50 seconds)

2009-01-07T07:55:00.004-05:00

"This bed is for Brian and Nicole. Not Edward Cullen!"
- my fiance expressing his feelings about my reading Breaking Dawn in bed.

Affirmation on a Starbucks Cup

2009-01-05T11:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes a smile is produced from the most unsuspecting places, reminding you of the most special and significant times in life.

Damn You Stephanie Meyer!

2009-01-04T11:49:00.006-05:00

Twilight got me hooked. I soon found myself enthralled by New Moon and Eclipse, the second and third installments in the Twilight Saga. I also found my fiance to be threatened by the relationship I had formed with these 500 + page books.

Not to worry, he isn't the only man suffering the backlash of the perfect Edward Cullen. A man in Borders yesterday saw I was holding Breaking Dawn in my hands and proceeds to tell me his wife is obsessed with those books. Clearly he needed to get something off his chest, but I wasn't about to be his on-the-spot therapist. So I smiled politely nodded my head and mumbled something about him never being able to understand Edward before I awkwardly ran off.

Let me get back to the main point of this entry, which is Stephanie Meyer has produced paper gold, or in my case, hard cover crack. Yesterday I decided that the 4 days that had passed since I finished Eclipse was already too long for me to wait to find out what happens with Bella and Edward, so I absolutely needed to buy the last book Breaking Dawn. I figured I would go to the Borders on 34th street since it was close to my work and because I had a coupon to Borders (whoo hoo!). I walked into the book store, my senses on high alert for a black hardcover book with a chess piece on the front. Found it! Actually I found the Stephanie Meyer display with Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse but no Breaking Dawn. I proceeded upstairs to the young adult section confidant I wold find my fix there.

I did not.

At this point I was almost in a panic, so I found an associate and she told me the horrible truth.

They were sold out.

Oh God.

What was I going to do? I had to be at work in 45 minutes. Could I make it to the Columbus Circle Borders and get back in time for work? No time for questions! I made a run for it (ok, a very brisk walk, but still - I was in a rush)
I rushed to the train and then waited. And waited some more. Fifteen dire minutes later the MTA got their shit together and a train came rolling into the station.

By the time I got out of the train and up to street level I was sweating and didn't care if I looked like an idiot running for Borders. So I did.

Hallelujah!

There it was in all its gloriousness. Breaking Dawn sitting right there on the Stephanie Meyer display. I grabbed it and this is when I had the awkward encounter with the man rambling on about how much his wife loved those books and how he doesn't read but watches Sports Center. (Uh, hello! Pick up a book and maybe your wife will be half involved with you as she is with Edward Cullen!) No time for small talk. I raced to the line and it moved quickly. Looking at my phone I figured I only had about 15 minutes to get to work so there was no time for small talk with the nice gay Asian man who was ringing me up. My coupon. Oh no. I couldn't' find it.

"I don't care about the coupon! Just ring me up!"

$24.83 later I ran for the subway got on the train and sat down enjoying the high that had just come with my great accomplishment. Ahhhhh......

Thanks again Stephanie Meyer, for making me become slightly insane in order to get a hold of this book. It's wonderful being "that girl" in NY running with an ankle length down jacket holding onto her knit hat, purse flailing about. Good times.

This last book better be worth it, but I have a feeling it already is.

You Decide

2008-12-30T23:00:00.003-05:00

The Miracle Acai Berry!

2008-12-29T21:21:00.001-05:00

Many people have jumped on the acai band wagon (a large number due to Oprah speaking the word). So many acai produts have come out and among the most popular today is Mona Vie. The testimonials claim all sorts of things from weight loss to lowering your blood pressure to making you taller.

This however, is my absolute favorite claim made by a Mona Vie user:

And all this time...

2008-12-29T20:16:00.011-05:00

I thought my name meant "Victory of the people"

...apparently I was wrong

This is the only reason I would ever have kids...

2008-12-28T17:25:00.005-05:00

Because I would make them do things like this to entertain me!

Just when I thought women were making headway...

2008-12-28T09:58:00.004-05:00

This bitch has to go and ruin it for the rest of us. Uh, hello? Faking a kidnapping of your own child so you can get your deadbeat ex-boyfriend back?

What are you smoking, crystal meth?

And a 5 month old with a mohawk and fake tattoos? Who do you think you are? Angelina Jolie?

This is why people should pass a test before they reproduce.

Give Me... Movie Reviews!

2008-12-27T20:10:00.003-05:00

Keeping in line with a traditional Jewish Christmas I took my time waking up in the morning, ate a bagel for breakfast and decided to catch a movie followed by a sushi dinner. I was really excited to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on opening day, and now I regret being so curious myself.

"The movie flows gracefully along, unrushed but ever forward, like time itself. And New Orleans' lovely old neighborhoods and romantic ambiance form the ideal locale for a gently fantastical tale."

To say "the movie flowed gracefully along" is a nice (very nice) way of saying it was sooooo freakin' long! Unbelievable! 2 hours and 40 minutes? Brad Pitt, do you know what I could be doing with that valuable time I'll never get back? I could ride the 1 train from 242nd St. to South Ferry and back and then once more. I would also be more entertained by the people getting on and off the train than you and God-awful Cate Blanchett. She bored me to death.

And yes New Orleans was beautiful and serene but I have vowed to never visit there unless I want to sleep my days away.

You know what Brad Pitt? As adorable you may be to look at, you suck. Even your beauty can't save you from the lack of enthusiasm and talent obviously missing from this film. I'm actually supposed to believe that you have any other emotion in this movie besides indifference? Really?!

Why oh why Mr. Pitt have you been unable to put out a good movie since, um, I'll go with Legends of the Fall?

What's that? Your too busy being a dad to that horde of children flying around the world with your anorexic wife never settling in one spot long enough for your children to be enrolled in a full year of school? That must be it.

Now you Miss. Blanchett. I've nothing more to say to you than................... oh sorry, I fell asleep thinking about your performance.

I'll never understand how this movie was nominated for any award. Ugh.

Brad Pitt you owe me $30. This is cover the cost of my ticket for this movie and the train wreck you made before this, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

Tsk tsk Brad. Tsk tsk.

Jewish on Christmas

2008-12-26T19:53:00.007-05:00

There's no other day during the year to remind the Jewish community that they are indeed Jewish, and as a result, a minority in this country. America shuts down, and even on the Upper West Side the restaurant pickins' ain't what they normally are.

Since only my father's side of the family is of chosen blood, I celebrated the birth of Christ with a nice sushi dinner on the Upper West Side where I was sure to be surrounded by other half-bloods and pure breeds.

The UWS did not disappoint. The Jews flowed freely in and out of the sushi restaurant as if they hadn't' a care in the world (except apparently what table they should be seated at, as proved by 3 consecutive parties who could not decide on a table in an unusually empty restaurant). Does it suck to be Jewish on Christmas?

No.

I'd like to offer a little prayer for all the half Jews and regular Jews alike:

Dear Baby Jesus,

Thank you for being born Jewish

Too bad not many people take that into consideration when celebrating your birth.

מודה אני לפניך מלך חי וקיים שהחזרת בי נשמתי בחמלה, רבה אמונתך.‏
(don't forget to read it right to left!)

Ok, so it's not really a prayer, but whatever, you get the point.

la'haim!

Oh you smell so good... like meat!

2008-12-23T09:21:00.004-05:00

Burger King is obviously feeling the economic crunch. Maybe they're not selling enough whoppers or maybe that giant creepy king costume is getting to people, but the fast food king is promoting a new product. It's a fragrance called Flame and it is oh-so-appetizing.

It smells like meat.

Well, it captures the scent of the love of the Whopper.

I bet that scent is meat.

I'm not really sure what kind of man would wear this flame broiled disaster, but I sure as hell don't want to meat him (I couldn't help myself).
Who wakes up and says "I know what will move me to the top of the corporate ladder! Meat cologne!"
What loser wants to smell like a typical overweight middle-of-the-country American man?
What jackass is spending $3.99 on Flame instead of the actual Whopper?

Burger King you are pathetic, but not as pathetic as those you've convinced to buy your little food fragrance.

ewww.

Presdient Bush, you're full of shoe

2008-12-17T08:24:00.004-05:00

An attempt on President Bush's life occured in (surprise!) Iraq.

What? He missed! Outrageous!

2008-12-14T22:43:00.002-05:00

Oh Andy Samberg, you are winning me over with every music video you make...

You know you'r going to be singing the chorus all day now. I am.

The Wonderful Accomplishments of Tara Reid

2008-12-14T11:00:00.005-05:00

“No. I’ve done it. Trust me. I’ve done enough for a lifetime of everything. I’ve had a great time. I partied. I had fun. I ate and drank whatever. I dated a million guys, but I’m so happy with where I’m at right now. I don’t need to do anything anymore.”
-Tara Reid

Just in case you feel that you do need to do more but you're not sure of what, I've complied a list:

1. Put out a good movie

2. Keep the tata's covered

3. Get a new plastic surgeon

4. Sue your old plastic surgeon

5. Put on some underwear

6. Put on a one piece bathing suit

7. STOP BEING FAMOUS!

You're welcome.

Let's drink to equality!

2008-12-13T13:20:00.001-05:00

I beg to differ.

Give Me..... Movie Reviews!

2008-12-13T11:28:00.004-05:00

I am so over movie reviews because they are so freakin' misleading!

In an attempt to rectify the movie review situation that has plagued the industry I have decided that I will be so kind as to let all you good people the truth about the movies I spend my $9.50 on (yes I said $9.50, NYC is expensive, do you actually think I will pay $12.50 when all I have to do is press "senior ticket" at the self serve kiosk? Wise up people c'mon!)

Australia
This movie has gotten some pretty terrible reviews like "With three storylines, a ludicrous performance by Kidman, and Baz's self-indulgence getting the best of him, AUSTRALIA is one of this year's biggest blunders." That my dear movie lovers, is completely inaccurate!

I had my doubts going into this movie and it won me over almost immediately. The scenery is beautiful, great direction by Baz Luhrmann, and Nicole Kidman is probably the most entertaining I've ever seen her. The complaints about this movie are that it's over the top and grandiose and 'phony' even, but this film seems like a return to the days when Hollywood made beautiful movies that moved people. Maybe Hollywood should take some direction from Luhrmann and start making movies that are poignant and beautifully executed instead of people getting blown up and f**ked 6 ways from Sunday. I'm sick of wasting my hard earned cash on films that promote sex and violence and drugs, or films that try so hard mimic real life disaster and trauma.

This film is on my top 10 favorites, right up there with Pretty Woman (what girl doesn't love it?) Waitress, and Bella. The little boy who plays Nullah is a breath of fresh air in an industry where child actors make me want to stick a pencil in my eye (I'm talking to you Dakota Fanning and Miley Cyrus). Not ever having acted in his life and found straight from an Aborigine tribe in Australia, Brandon Walters can act with the best of 'em, and he proves it in this film. He will steal a little piece of your heart and make your soul smile.

Get with the program filmmakers, I'm not wasting my money on Terminator Salvation or Punisher: War Zone. I know my dad is totally disagreeing with me right now saying "hey, those are good movies" but really dad hasn't that all been done before?

It's time Hollywood, to bring back movie making that take us away from our lives entertaining the senses and delighting the soul.

Four Christmases
Ahhhh, Vince Vaughn thank you for not letting me down and totally delivering, carrying this film. And thank you Reese Witherspoon for being completely sweet and utterly predictable. What a strange dichotomy these two had, but it works. Vaughn delivers his usual improv-y talks-too-much kind of quick wit humor and Reese is, well I never really dislike her choice in scripts. She knows what works for her and she sticks to it. Good for you Reese.

Ok seriously, I was so not wanting to see this movie but I got up early and caught a matinee. I'm glad I did (because I liked the movie but still not enough to spend close to $13 for it). It was amusing and funny, semi-lighthearted, semi-depressing if you went to see it by yourself (which I did), but all in all it was pretty good and hopeful, like Australia.

Ok, I know it seems I'm reading a little too deeply into a Vince Vaughn flick with using words like depressing and hopeful, but, well it is! Especially the Christmas Play part. Vince, you are so entertaining.

A stroll down memory lane...

2008-12-12T10:50:00.003-05:00

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
All the reindeer humping
Laughing all the way
HA HA HA

A few years ago, my friend Debbie's mom put out these precious innocent reindeer to help ring in the glorious Christmas season. So I did what was most appropriate. I made them do it.

2008-12-10T20:53:00.003-05:00

"Shut up you stupid old f*ck!"
- Mark, one of the 4-year-old twins I nanny for, to his 13-year-old brother

Ahh, to feel 14 again...

2008-12-08T09:33:00.007-05:00

So over the weekend, I finished reading Twilight. Yes, Twilight, the 500 page book that has taken the hormonal teenage girl world be storm. I haven't felt this giddy since N'SYNC came out with their holiday CD (sadly, I'm very serious). I couldn't put the book down, something about, um, falling in love with a fictional 90-year-old-posing-as-a-17-year-old vampire. What? That sounds ridiculous! Loving a man that's younger?! I know. It's crazy.

I do however have a bone to pick with Miss Stephanie Meyer.

Thanks a lot Miss Meyer, for creating a being so perfect it makes all real men pale in comparison (no pun intended, really). Imagine all the disappointed girls who begin dating only to find out men aren't really like that! Imagine all the disappointed women who are married, suddenly wishing they were sleeping next to a vampire instead of their own pathetic middle aged balding fat husband. Imagine all the disappointed gay men who know that Edward's heart (and rock hard body) belongs only to a woman. You know what Stephanie Meyer? You just set up generations of girls to be disappointed in their inevitable future interactions with the opposite sex. You just set up complete disappointment in women currently in a relationship!

You have effectively ruined any future romantic affairs for all teen girls and 20-somethings alike!

I will, Miss Stephanie Meyer, begin reading Midnight Sun. The version of Twilight from Edwards point of view, not because I want to, but because I am addicted. As an addict, I have no choice but to feed my thirst (pun intended) for your fictional being.

Thanks a lot Stephanie Meyer.

Fatty bitches

2008-12-02T12:25:00.004-05:00

I just came across an article in the New York Times about obesity. It said that experts believe that the most accurate way to tell if someone is overweight is to calculate their body mass index (BMI).

I have a better idea. How about if you look at yourself in the mirror and you look fat, you're overweight!

Take that "experts"

I wonder what their BMI is?

Penis Transplant, um, ok

2008-12-02T09:54:00.004-05:00

The world's first penis transplant recipent had the doctors reverse the procedure! What? Does this man now have no penis? A Chinese man received "the 10-centimeter (4-inch) organ" from a 22 year old man who had died. My question: was that the size while erect? If so, that's probably the psychological damage his wife was complaining about.

Smarter Than I Look

Who Says Latin Women Aren't Dramatic...

Population Control

Miss USA Takes Stripper Lessons From Little Girls

James Franco & the MOMA Can Suck It

Thank You Scientology

June 30th, Watch the F@#K Out!

20 Year Old Hayden Panettiere Mistaken for 63 Year Old Hillary Clinton

Finally, Porn in Braille for the Blind!

Well, if Sarah Palin Can (Sorta) Do It...

Just Call Yourselves Iranian!

Stiff Hips = In Vitro Fertilization

What Service

Totally Saw This Coming...

Just What Hollywood is Missing... 3-D Boobies

Betty-est Day Ever!

Give Me... *OSCAR* Movie Reviews!

What's a Haiku You Ask?

Curling, the Most Sexual Olympic Sport

"What's Shiatsu?"

Which Came First?

Vajazzling, It's Exactly What You Think It Is

Jay-Z Sexy Time

If You Hate Your Valentine... Get Them This!

The Irony

Some Memorial Service Huh?

Billy Mays Death Explained

Confirmed

Miss California FAIL

Give Me... Trailer Reviews!!

Totally Shocking & Completely Unexpecteed News!

I'm Back!!!!!!

People Who Exploit Their Children = Awesome People

UFC Fighters & Goats... One In The Same

GOP Party is Desperate

The End of The World is Near

Aha Moments, Making Me Want To Vomit

It's Terrible to Laugh at Poor Defenseless Animals

Shocking

Move Over Hollywood

Give Me... Movie Reviews!

6th Kardashian Sister Introduced to the World

Got a Sibling? Then No Need For Tiger Shulman's Self-Defense Class

A Pound of Gourmet Chololate & Candy Panties Please

Why Marry Jewish? Facebook Says So!

A Visit to the Dentist: The New Gateway Drug

The Cure for Lonliness? 14 Kids, Clearly!

Elizabeth Hasselback: Chronic Breeder

Got $155,000 to blow? Clone Your Dog!

"Wha chu mean I no espeak a whyte?"

A Letter to the Elderly

The Inaugural Benediction (part II)

When an Administration Ends...

The Inaugural Benediction

Inauguration Day!

Things That Make Me Cry

Real Furby!?

You Can Suck It

Post Racial America!

Call Me Crazy...

No Accent Tom?

Affirmation on a Starbucks Cup

Damn You Stephanie Meyer!

You Decide

The Miracle Acai Berry!

And all this time...

This is the only reason I would ever have kids...

Just when I thought women were making headway...

Give Me... Movie Reviews!

Jewish on Christmas

Oh you smell so good... like meat!

Presdient Bush, you're full of shoe

The Wonderful Accomplishments of Tara Reid

Let's drink to equality!

Give Me..... Movie Reviews!

A stroll down memory lane...

Ahh, to feel 14 again...

Fatty bitches

Penis Transplant, um, ok

Give Me... OSCAR Movie Reviews!